Wall Street Panics After Trump Unveils Lackluster Coronavirus Response Plan

Wall Street Panics After Trump Unveils Lackluster Coronavirus Response Plan


WELCOME! WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU. I’M GLAD YOU’RE ALL IN A GOOD
MOOD BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, AM NOT PANICKING. ( LAUGHTER )
I HAVE THESE BURNED. THEN BURN THE PERSON WHO BURNED
THEM. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE PANICKING. NAMELY, WALL STREET. IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF THIS
WEEK, THE DOW LOST 2,000 POINTS, BUT LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP
HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REASSURE INVESTORS, AND TODAY IT
BOUNCED BACK– BY PLUNGING ALMOST 1,200 POINTS, THE LARGEST
SINGLE DAY DROP IN HISTORY. THAT MUST BE SO HARD FOR THE
GUYS ON WALL STREET. IF ONLY THEY HAD ACCESS TO SOME
SORT OF DRUG THAT WOULD MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN MAKE THEM THINK THEY COULD START A BAND! ( LAUGHTER )
SEE THERE’S A NEW CASE IN THE UNITED STATES, AND THIS PERSON
TID NOT APPEAR TO HAVE TRAVELED TO COUNTRIES HIT BY THE VIRUS OR
BEEN EXPOSED TO A KNOWN CORONAVIRUS PATIENT. OKAY. WELL. GOOD TO KNOW. EXCUSE ME FOR JUST A MOMENT. (RINGS BELL)
PLAGUE! PLAGUE! A RIGHTEOUS CLEANSING TO PUNISH
MAN FOR HIS VANITY AND LUST! SWING YOUR SCYTHE, OH ANGRY GOD! REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! ( LAUGHTER )
WHERE WAS I? YEAH, THE CALIFORNIA CASE IS
OFFICIALLY AMERICA’S FIRST INSTANCE OF COMMUNITY
TRANSMISSION, WHICH MEANS THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THERE ALREADY
ARE PEOPLE INFECTED IN THIS COUNTRY AND THAT THE VIRUS IS
CIRCULATING UNDETECTED. SO, YOU ONLY NEED TO BE
CONCERNED IF YOU’RE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE MIGHT BE A LOT MORE PEOPLE INFECTED THAN WE KNOW ABOUT
BECAUSE ON TRIAL RUNS IN SOME STATES, THE C.D.C.’S
CORONAVIRUS TESTING KITS PRODUCED RESULTS THAT WERE
“INCONCLUSIVE.” INCONCLUSIVE IS NOT GOOD FOR A
TEST THIS IMPORTANT! THAT’S WHY, WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO
FIND OUT IF THEY’RE PREGNANT, THEY DON’T PEE ON A MAGIC 8
BALL! ( LAUGHTER )
LET’S SEE, IT SAYS, UH — IT SAYS, UH — HONEY, IT SAYS —
HONEY, IT SAYS “PEE AGAIN LATER.” ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) OF COURSE, DURING ANY HEALTH
SCARE, IT’S IMPORTANT TO STAY AWAY FROM DANGEROUS TRANSMISSION
VECTORS– MAINLY THE INTERNET, WHICH IS FULL OF FAKE CURES FOR
CORONAVIRUS. ONE RUMOR CLAIMS THAT BOILED
GARLIC CAN CURE THE VIRUS. ANOTHER SUGGESTS THAT YOU “DRINK
BLEACH.” ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT, DON’T DRINK BLEACH. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY? IT’S BAD FOR YOU, AND IT RUINS
THE TASTE OF THE TIDEPODS. ( LAUGHTER )
LAST NIGHT, AT HIS PRESS CONFERENCE, TRUMP SAID HE
DOESN’T THINK THE STOCK MARKET DEATH SPIRAL HAS ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THE CORONAVIRUS.>>I THINK THE FINANCIAL MARKETS
ARE VERY UPSET WHEN THEY LOOK AT THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES
STANDING ON THE STAGE MAKING FOOLS OUT OF THEMSELVES.>>STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
“YES, AND THE DARK AGES WERE NOT IN ANY WAY AFFECTED BY THE BLACK
DEATH. VASSALS WERE JUST UPSET THAT
EDWARD III WAS A SOCIALIST. LEECH-CARE FOR ALL? WHO’S GOING TO PAY FOR IT? THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR? COME ON.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) “I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE
WORDS I JUST SAID. .” TRUMP’S BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT
LAST NIGHT WAS THAT THE CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE EFFORT WILL
BE SPEARHEADED BY VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN WATCHING HIS WIFE FLIRT
WITH THE BALLOON ANIMAL MAKER, MIKE PENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS THE GREATEST CRISIS OF TRUMP’S PRESIDENCY, AND HIS
FIRST RESPONSE IS, “MIKE, YOU’RE UP.” ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S JUST LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE ON HARRY TRUMAN’S DESK: “THE
BUCK’S IN MIKE PENCE’S OFFICE!” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE VICE PRESIDENT DOES HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH OUTBREAKS. SPECIFICALLY, MAKING THEM WORSE. BECAUSE, WHEN HE WAS THE
GOVERNOR OF INDIANA, PENCE’S REFUSAL TO IMPLEMENT A NEEDLE
EXCHANGE PROGRAM LED TO THE WORST H.I.V. OUTBREAK IN THE
STATE’S HISTORY. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. “IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED,
WELCOME TO THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE POINT OF THAT PRESS CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC
HEALTH. AS THE “WASHINGTON POST” PUT IT,
“OFFICIALS AT TRUMP’S CORONAVIRUS BRIEFING FOCUSED ON
PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF CRITICISM OF TRUMP.” ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, AND THAT IS VERY CONTAGIOUS. EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT. I MIGHT BE PATIENT ZERO. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT TO BE CAREFUL.>>Jon: EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS
IT RIGHT NOW.>>Stephen: AND THIS DESIRE TO
PREVENT ANY CRITICISM IS WHAT MAKES THIS
NEXT DETAIL SO DISTURBING. FROM NOW ON, MIKE PENCE WILL
CONTROL ALL CORONAVIRUS MESSAGING FROM HEALTH OFFICIALS. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
AND HIS FIRST ORDER IS RENAMING THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF
HEALTH, “PRAY AWAY THE PLAGUE.” ( LAUGHTER )
PENCE HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM. ALL OVER THE WORLD, CORONAVIRUS
IS HAVING A HUGE IMPACT ON DAILY LIFE. HERE IN THE U.S., A GROWING LIST
OF COLLEGES ARE CANCELING OR REROUTING STUDY-ABROAD PROGRAMS
BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS. (AS PARENT)
“SORRY, DEVIN. I KNOW YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT
ITALY, BUT YOU CAN STUDY ART HISTORY RIGHT HERE AT THE MALL. YOU KNOW, AT SPENCERS, THEY HAVE
POSTERS WHERE IF YOU GET REAL CLOSE AND RELAX YOUR EYES, YOU
CAN SEE A SAILBOAT! ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, IT DOESN’T WORK IF YOU’RE CRYING.” ( LAUGHTER )
DEVIN IS SO UPSET HE’S CRYING IN THIS REENACTMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
CORONAVIRUS IS EVEN DISRUPTING HOW PEOPLE EAT. RESTAURANTS IN CHINA ARE GOING
TO EXTREME MEASURES TO PROTECT CUSTOMERS.>>YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW
NORMAL FOR MANY FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS IN CHINA. CUSTOMERS ENTERING THIS KFC
PASSING THROUGH THE NOW-STANDARD TEMPERATURE CHECKS. WALKING UP TO A GIANT SCREEN,
THEY EITHER TRANSFER THEIR ORDER FROM THEIR SMARTPHONES, THUS
AVOIDING TOUCHING THE SURFACE, OR THEY TYPE IT IN. AS SOON AS THEY STEP AWAY, AN
EMPLOYEE SWOOPS IN TO DISINFECT.>>STEPHEN: I’VE GOT TO SAY, IF
YOU’RE THAT CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH, WHY ARE YOU EATING AT
KFC? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO GOOD.>>Jon: WHAT ABOUT POPEYES?>>Stephen: THAT WOULD BE LIKE
IF, BEFORE DRIVING INTO THE CANYON, THELMA
AND LOUISE HAD SAID, “OH-OH, SEATBELTS!”
( LAUGHTER ) THESE STRICT NEW PRECAUTIONS
EXTEND TO TAKE OUT FOOD AS WELL.>>THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS HERE. THEY LEAVE IT THERE. HE TELLS ME I CAN… I MOVE IN, PICK UP THE FOOD AND
HEAD HOME TO EAT. AND AS SOON AS YOU GET YOUR
FOOD, YOU’LL NOTICE ON TOP OF THE RECEIPT IS THIS LITTLE CARD. IT HAS TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF
READINGS ON IT. THE TEMPERATURE READING OF THE
PERSON WHO PREPARED YOUR FOOD, ALONG WITH THEIR NAME, AND THE
NAME AND TEMPERATURE READING OF THE PERSON WHO DELIVERED YOUR
FOOD.>>STEPHEN: THAT’S A LITTLE
INVASIVE. “OKAY, I’LL GET A MEDIUM PIE,
HALF PEPPERONI, HALF GREEN PEPPER, A TWO LITER OF COKE
AND BOTH THE ORAL AND RECTAL TEMPERATURES OF EVERYONE IN
YOUR KITCHEN. THANKS! OOH! GARLIC KNOTS.” ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!>>Stephen: PROCTOR AND GAMBLE
SAYS PRODUCTS CAN BE AFFECTED. GET READY TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH
WITH A HYGIENE PRODUCT STILL MADE IN AMERICA. JACK DANIELS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: THAT WILL TAKE THE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: THAT WILL TAKE THE ENAMEL RIGHT OFF YOUR TEETH. SOME CHINESE INGREDIENTS AFFECT
EVEN THE MOST AMERICAN OF PRODUCTS. “COCA-COLA COULD BE IN TIGHT
SUPPLY OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER FOR DIET AND ZERO-SUGAR DRINKS
BECAUSE OF CORONAVIRUS.” BUT DIET COKE IS ALREADY
ADJUSTING THEIR RECIPE TO COMPENSATE FOR THEIR LACK OF
SWEETENER WITH THIS NEW PRODUCT:>>WE ALL LOVE THE REFRESHING
TASTE OF DIET COKE, BUT THE CORONAVIRUS CUT OFF OUR SUPPLY
OF SWEETENER. SO INTRODUCING NEW DIET SOAK
SAVORY. IT’S ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVE
ABOUT DIET COKE MINUS THAT SUGAR RIFLAVOR, BECAUSE WE REPLACE THE
SWEETENER WITH BEEF BULLION. IT MAY TASTE DIFFERENT BUT IT’S
STILL BUBBLY, STILL BROWN. IT’S THE ONLY DIET SOFT DRINK
THAT WILL MAKE YOU SAY, OOOH, MOMMY! SO LET THE EXPERTS WORRY ABOUT
THE PANDEMIC AND KICK BACK WITH A COLD, SALTY, DIET COKE. DIET COKE SAVORY. IT’S DIET BECAUSE YOU WON’T WANT
TO DRINK IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>STEPHEN: WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. JOHN TURTURRO IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
“MEANWHILE!” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )