Being Vegetarian Is Rough


-I know y’all probably know
a lot about me, but there are some things
about me that make me different from other late-night hosts,
you know? You’ve probably heard me
talk about them before. And I’m so thrilled
to champion yet another group of underrepresented people
in this country. Okay? Because I remember
the first time I came out to my friends. As a vegetarian. Oh, you thought I was going to
talk about other stuff? Nah. Okay?
Proud vegetarian right here. And it wasn’t easy when I first
decided to become a vegetarian. Mostly because none of my
friends knew what it was. I remember the day I told them, “I think I’m going to
become a vegetarian.” One of my friends was like, “Oh, so you’re going to
take care of horses?” I originally decided
to become a vegetarian because I figured if I could
live without killing an animal, why shouldn’t I? Now, don’t get me wrong. Okay? I would eat meat
if it was a matter of survival. Like, if I was on “The Hunger
Games”, I’d eat meat. I’d definitely eat meat. Meat is my nickname
for Liam Hemsworth. [ Laughter ] Thirsty! I first tried to become
a vegetarian when I was a kid. See, but there was one small
thing that made it difficult. I didn’t like vegetables. I mean, the only vegetable
I would ever eat is maybe a tomato, okay? If that tomato was mashed up
and spread on some bread. Maybe a little cheese on there,
you know? Bake it at 400 degrees.
Okay, pizza! I’m talking about pizza! Okay. One reason I wanted
to go vegetarian was to help save
the environment. Like, did you know that
livestock farms account for 18% of the Earth’s
greenhouse emissions? Did you know that? Yeah. The other 82% — every
“Fast and the Furious” movie. [ Laughter ] When I went to —
You all think I’m so funny. I’m just dumb, honestly. When I went to university, being
a vegetarian got a lot easier. It was like I was finally able to diversify the food
I was eating, you know? Like, instead of eating
french fries all the time, I’d have a couple
sweet-potato fries, too. Just mix it up. Now that I live in L.A., I’ve
found that being a vegetarian is a really great way
to meet people. I’m being serious, okay? You’d be shocked
how many numbers I’ve got just by hanging out
in the produce section, okay? Yeah, there’s eggplants
and peaches for days, and I ain’t talking about
the one on the shelves, okay? Ooh! When I first started
getting serious about being a vegetarian,
I was so healthy. You know? Because
I couldn’t eat a whopper. I couldn’t eat a Big Mac. But now every
fast-food restaurant has vegetarian options! I’m driving through, I’m getting a Beyond Burger
with cheese and mayo, a side of fries,
a chocolate-chip cookie. It’s all vegetarian.
It’s horrible. I even heard that White Castle
serves Impossible meat now. And I thought they already
served Impossible meat, because there’s no possible way
that was ever real meat. [ Laughter ] One thing that’s
especially irritating about being vegetarian
is when people confuse it with being vegan. Trust me. If someone’s vegan,
they’ll tell you. It’s even more irritating
when people are like, “Oh, so you don’t want
to kill living things? Well, what about all the plants
you’re killing? Oh, my God. Plant killer!” Like, what am I supposed to eat? My rule is I don’t eat
anything that has eyes. Except for potatoes. Kill all those mother [bleep]. [ Imitating
gun cocking and firing ] I just murdered Mr. Potato Head. Who am I? Being a vegetarian
is especially challenging when you have to travel a lot,
like I do. Y’all know what
I’m talking about? Like, when I get on a plane,
it doesn’t matter if I call ahead or send
an e-mail or send a raven, okay? 100% of the time, they never
have a vegetarian option for me. And the process is so confusing. Like, when you buy a ticket,
there is a drop-down menu, and you have to pick
between options like “Pacific Asian vegetarian,”
like, “Indian vegetarian,” “Southeast Bulgarian
vegetarian.” I’m like, “What is all –”
It’s so complicated! As soon as I get on the plane,
I’m like, “You know what?
Just give me the damn chicken! Okay? God! You win! You win!” But this — [ Laughs ] It’s so true.
This is a biography right now. But I just want to say
that if you’re on the fence about becoming a vegetarian,
I highly recommend it. You’re saving animals.
You’re saving the planet. You’re saving a lot of time at
Thanksgiving. I’m just saying. But it’s not always easy,
though. It can be tough,
because you’re often saying, “No, thank you.
I don’t eat that.” So, I’m glad that in my dating
life, I have more options and I pretty much always get to
say, “Yeah, I’ll eat that.”